When you love your wife more now than when you married her.

When a wet dream means that you knocked over a glass of water from your night table.

When you go from the kitchen to the bed-room and you forgot why.

When you talk nonsense and young people are respectful, not critical.

When people who look old give you their seat on the bus..

When you find pornographic photos rather dull.

When your closet is full of perfectly good clothes you never wear

When you get up 3 or 4 times a night to go to the bathroom.

When your kids are over 50

When your grandchild opens a jar of jam for you.

When you can say something sexual to a young woman and she just laughs and takes no offence.

When you renew a magazine subscription one year at a time.

When the weddings you attend are for your friend’s grandchildren

When masturbation is not an option because your right hand gets too tired.

When every day is the week-end.

When the desk at the tennis club finds it difficult to arrange a good game for you

When all the politicians look like kids playing government.

When you don’t have a clue about all the options on your cell phone except to send and receive calls

When the regularity of bowel movements are a constant topic with your old friends

When you have to write down everything you do in order to remember what you have done or arranged. And then of course you forget where you placed the note.

When you cannot find the note that tells you what you have to do.

When you spend most of every day in your pyjamas.

When all the little things that go wrong with you physically, never really get better.

When nothing astounds you because you have seen it all.

When your reflexes are too slow to get you to the ball in a tennis match.

When climbing steps becomes a major problem.

When young, you get sick and get better soon, when middle-aged you get sick, but it takes longer to get better, when old you get sick, but you never really get completely better.

When you desperately want to remember an incident or a name and cannot, but if you just stop making the effort, it comes to mind.

When you are out for a drive and you take out the lower partial to clean it of food and hold it for 5 seconds in your hand, and you very quickly get this sick feeling that you left it at home and just as quickly feel relief when you know it is in your hand.

When you wake up in the morning and all your limbs are stiff and it takes hours to feel flexible.

When the strength you had to do the exercises you have done for many years is just not there.

When and not so slowly, but surely, all your best friends and business associates die, not even mentioning your close relatives.

When you remember how your parent`s farting bothered you , and now you cannot help doing the same.

When you remember what happened 50 years ago, but not 5 minutes ago.

You are sinking deeper and deeper into the digital age and don`t know how to operate your new digital camera, the mobile phone, the computer, G.P.S. in the car and Yahoo or google.

I have played tennis in my club for 50 years with the same combination lock number. Yesterday I went in for my exercise and couldn’t remember  it.

When there is nobody to phone and commiserate with because they are all dead.

When  you study something and cannot remember an hour later what you studied.

When you are walking and for no reason lose your balance.




Name of author

Name: Murray Rubin

13 thoughts on “MY ROADMAP TO OLD AGE

  • Murray, just the fact that you wrote such a wonderfully description of aging (gracefully) encourages me that there’s plenty more life in the old dog yet! 😁
    Many years ago you bought my boys football shirts. They still talk about them.

  • Deborah Grumelin Sitbon

    Dear Murray ,
    I am Deborah , your (unfortunately longtime dead) French friend Rose’s granddaughter, and (happily healthy) Evelyne’s daughter.
    Your post is beautiful, very funny and a bit sad, which is exactely the best we can expect from life itself I guess.
    Anyway, you’ll never be old for me because I will always see you and Roda as I have for decades, on a picture in my grandmother’s living room: elegant, with a sharp look and a stunning Smile.
    Take care
    Love from Paris

    • Deborah I think regularly of Rose and Evelyn and Rose`s husband. We met in Israel and as luck would have it we were all sent to the same restaurant. That`s when our friendship began. I also met a friend of Rose whose name slips my mind. The accident that killed Rose`s husband and brother-in -law was terrible. I also met Evelyn`s brother. My memory fails me and I am not sure but I think Roda and I came to your wedding. If you ever come to Toronto you will be my guest at home and cottage. Your few words brought tears to my eyes.

    • Your post is very beautiful. I think of Rose all the time.

  • Your road map to old age is both accurate and humorous. I can identify with most of the locations on the road map of life. But I am struck by one location that I frequently find myself, usually at night when I’m tossing and turning in bed trying to find a position that is least uncomfortable, that is glaringly absent from your road map.
    What I’m getting to are the BIG QUESTIONS, “What is life all about? What does it mean? Have I made the best use of my time? What do I have to look forward to? What happens when the end comes? What will it be like? Will it be easy or difficult? Who will go first—my wife or me? How will I survive without her if she goes first?
    Do these thoughts enter your mind? Do you ever discuss them with your wife?
    Please let me have your thoughts on these questions.

    We have met in the past but since you may not remember me let me re-introduce myself.
    I’m Dr. Martin Lipson, an old Harbord Collegiate grad. (1951-56). U of T Med School (1956-62). I worked at Parkdale Medical Clinic (Dundas and Dovercourt) for 27 years…(1963-70). Robert-Norman Pharmacy in the building (Rube Slavens an Norm Wagman)
    I’m still practicing Family Practice at St. Clair and Dufferin on a semi-retired basis (20 hours per week). I’m afraid to retire completely.

    Please reply if you can and renew our friendship.

    Marty Lipson.

    • You will have to excuse this old brain. I remember the name but not the person. I also remember where you practiced . I would like to take this opportunity to inform you about harbord`s 125 anniversary. Big celebration. I will send you inf

      Murray rubin

  • Outstanding read. I’m not quite at the stage of my life where this is relevant, but it’s great to know what to look forward to!

  • Found this post from Twitter; it was circulating around. As an aging man this has struck a cord with me! I’m trying to stay “cool” and “young” by learning all this new technology. Happy to see I’m not the only man of a certain age who is making a presence online. And yes I do spend a lot of time in my pajamas.

  • Murray, you hit the nail on the head with this one. The road map to old age is all of these things and more. I’ve experienced some of these things myself. Thanks for the chuckle. Great post.


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