JEWISH JOKES- SELF-DEPRECATING

The Jewish people throughout written history  and well before, have always felt insecure and this insecurity is reflected in their jokes. They are great story tellers and in so many cases they are the butt of their own jokes. To illustrate this idea I have chosen  some  jokes that illustrate this point.

1. Two Jews took lessons in sharp shooting and developed their skills with one purpose in mind. They wanted to kill Hitler. They bought the proper guns and stationed themselves outside his mansion and waited for him to appear. They had inside knowledge that at a certain time every day, Hitler took walks on his property. They were there on time and waited. He did not appear. They waited another hour and still Hitler was a no show. The third hour passed and still no Hitler  Finally one Jew  says to the other. “Gosh, I hope he is alright.

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2. What is the difference between a Jew and a Pizza. A pizza does not scream when put in the oven.

3.Two Jews standing in line waiting to be shot. A German soldier approaches the first one and begins to abuse him, hitting him in the face and spitting on him. The Jew being abused spits back and smacks the German soldier. The second Jew waiting to be shot says to the Jew speaking back, “don`t make trouble”

4. Four Jewish women on the beach in Florida talking about the success of their son`s life.  The first mother talks about her son, a dentist, happily married and travels a lot and living in a great neighbourhood in New York. The second woman`s son is a surgeon, well respected in the profession, lectures all over the world and lives in a very-high priced neighbourhood in Chicago. He is sought by the very wealthy for his skills. The third women`s son is a developer, building high-priced residences in all the great neighbourhood, gives a tremendous amount to charity and is listed in the top 1000 wealthy in the U.S. The fourth women`s son is an orthodox rabbi. He is happy in his job, has just been given a small raise, and allowed to move out, with his family, from above the synagogue. Ach, says the mother of the developer, “Rabbi is not a job for a Jewish boy”

5. A Jew , Mendel, dies and goes to heaven. At the gate he is told that he cannot get in because his name is not on the list. The gate-keeper goes to God and says what can he do, because Mendel has said he led an exemplary life and should be admitted. God says to the gate-keeper ask him how much he gave to charity when  he was alive. Mendel thinks long and hard and says $5.00 once ,when he felt sorry for an old friend of his. The gatekeeper returns with the answer. God says, give him back his $5.00 and tell him to go to “HELL”

6.  Two Jewish friends along with others are waiting in line to go into the gas chambers at Auschwitz. One of the friends is wearing an outlandish hat. A guard approaches him and tells him to take off the hat. He wants it. He refuses. The guard tries to take off the hat  himself. The Jew pushes him away. Then his friend elbows him and says “Don`t make trouble”.

7.An old Jew, who prays at the Western Wall, is known to have been going there to pray every day, many times a day, for many years.  An enterprising young American reporter is told about the old man and his hours of daily praying.  Believing it might make a good human-interest story, the reporter goes to the wall and, sure enough, there is the old man bent in prayer.  After watching the old Jew pray for about an hour and a half and then seeing him slowly walk away, cane in hand, the reporter approaches him and asks him his name.  The old Jew answers that his name is Irving Rabinowitz.  The reporter then inquires how long Mr. Rabinowitz has been praying at the Western Wall and Rabinowitz answers, “Sixty-seven years.”

That is remarkable,” says the young reporter.  “What do you pray for?”

Rabinowitz says that he prays for peace between Jews, Muslims, and Christians and for the love of human beings for their fellow humans.  He adds that he also prays for politicians to be honest.

At this point the reporter asks, “So what has it been like for you praying all these years?”

Rabinowitz answers, “It’s like talking to a fucking wall.”

8. A little Jewish boy comes home and tells his mother he has a part in a play at school. What part asks his mother. I am playing a Jewish husband. His mother answers, don`t play it. Ask for a speaking part.

9. Two Jewish women are talking about their family. One says she found out her son is a faigele (gay). That`s too bad says her friend. Well it could be worse, she answers, but he is going with a doctor

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